MJ Mediation

03/06/2017

What a great article. Life is not fair, neither is divorce. Coming up with a parenting plan in mediation often means being prepared to relook at what we believe is 'fair'.

Fair is giving good things to others as long as they give good things to us. Then if they fail us in some way, we respond “fairly.” We give it right back to them, either at the moment or soon thereafter. Either our words or our actions say, “That’s not fair. Therefore, I am not going to do good to you any more. In fact, I’m going to give you exactly what you’re giving me. Then you can see how it feels.”

The problem is that operating by the principle of playing fair, all it takes for any relationship to go sour is for one person not to perform, then the other one will do the same. There is an interlocking dependency: the other person must be good so I can be good. In this kind of dynamic, we need the other person to be loving in order for us to love them, or to behave maturely in order for us to behave maturely toward them. And no one ever performs perfectly, so that is why all it takes to drag a relationship down is one failure. Under the “play fair” system, deterioration is inevitable.

12/05/2017

What a challenge for the choices we face in day to day living

10/05/2017

Will they support or your criticize you?

18/03/2017

Great article on resilience.

It's one of the best things to build into a child.

27/02/2016

Well done Focus on the family. Not only a great guest speaker but also providing child care so single parents can attend. This is the kind of community minded spirit we need.

09/12/2014

How to build Christmas memories in a family undergoing divorce or separation

09/12/2014

At this time of year we are surrounded by Christmas hype- adverts on TV,billboards and around our stores typically show happy families celebrating together. But if you are newly divorced or separated the reality of spending your first Christmas without your ex-spouse and/or children can be daunting.
Changing the way we view the celebration is not easy but there are a few ways we can make it easier on ourselves and our children. Your Christmases will never be the same again and they may not be better, but they can be good.
Now is a great time to think out of the box. Keep as many traditions as you really enjoy, or are really special to you, but spend some time brainstorming making some new traditions for your new family. If your kids love lasagne there is no reason it shouldn't become your new Christmas meal. If you really hate putting up (and taking down) a christmas tree, decorate a potted lemon tree or something else. This is the time to shed the old and embrace the new.
Talk about your feelings. Let your kids know it's OK to feel sad. Discuss why they are sad and what their concerns are. One little girl told me her biggest worry about going to sleep at her dad on Christmas eve was that Father Christmas wouldn't know she was there. Simply helping her write him a letter with her dad's address changed her whole attitude.
This is a time when many divorcing couples have major conflict about who will 'have' the kids. If your children are spending the day with your ex spouse choose another day to celebrate with them. Mark the day on a calendar and get started thinking out of the box about making new memories as a new family. Surround yourself with people who love you and know what you are going through and who you can be yourself with.
If you have always given huge gifts and can't afford to do so now, don't beat yourself up over it. Can you remember any of your Christmas gifts as a child? Your children won't in years to come either but they may remember icing christmas cookies with you.
Once Christmas is over, and you look towards the new year, remember above all to be kind to yourself.

06/08/2014

In South Africa the children's act makes it clear that the voice of the child must be heard.
A young teenage boy recently described to me how he felt about visiting his dad on weekends. He said,"The thing I like most is that I can go to dads whenever I want. I don't have to go on certain weekends cause sometimes on those weekends I might just want to chill in my own home." Imagine if this young teenager had a contact schedule which was carved in stone.

With the divorce rate in South Africa on the rise more and more children each year will have to adapt to living with one parent and 'visiting' the other, or to moving between two homes on a roster basis. Whatever residence and contact schedule is decided on will have advantages and disadvantages for the parents and the children.

When parents cannot agree on how to exercise their rights and responsibilities they cannot approach the court without first seeking the help of the family advocate, a social worker, psychologist or mediator to draft a parenting plan. A parenting plan includes all the nitty-gritty detail of post-divorce day to day life. For example, who will take Sammy to the dentist for checkups? Or who will fetch Ryan from rugby each Tuesday? What happens if father's day falls on mom's weekend? Who decides if Rachel can get a tatoo at age 14?

Mediation can really help when drafting the parenting plan. The mediation process itself empowers both parents - they can problem solve and reach an agreement which is acceptable to both of them. While the past hurts are not swept under the carpet the focus is on the future and how best to co-parent. This helps going forward as there will always be decisions that require both parent's input.

Parenting plans can be reviewed regularly to ensure the needs of the child are still being met. As in the case of our young teenager his needs have changed as he is growing up. When he was 9 years old he would have happily spent every second weekend at his dad's house. At 14 he is more independent and wants more flexibility. In this particular case his voice is being heard and he enjoys time with both parents