The Resolution Center

11/01/2024

Have you seen this positive customer review? Check it out! We love hearing from you!

"They were incredible! Very understanding and willing to make sure each party gets what they want/need. They are LGBT friendly too! It was such a pleasure to work with Alex and Pat."

We hope to provide you with the same level of customer satisfaction! To get started with our services, contact us today.

https://www.theresolutioncenterindy.com/reviews

02/14/2023

https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/suprising-ways-to-affirm-your-co-parent-after-divorce/

"You want me to WHAT?!!" My client looked at me in shock. And, a bit of horror. She had called to ask advice on how to better co-parent with her recent ex-husband. She spent a good 10 minutes venting over their struggles and his behavior. Rather than giving a legal response, I suggest ...

01/05/2023

https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=560425132622697&set=a.440217701310108

12/23/2022

https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/the-gift-of-quarterly-co-parenting-check-ins/

“Is it weird to get Dave something for Christmas?” Jen asked as she perused the endcap. “I mean, I never would have believed it—but he’s really being great in this whole co-parenting thing. How can I thank him?” “Maybe the best gift is to tell him that,” responded Maria. “Co-parent...

12/06/2022

11/30/2022

https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/myths-of-mediationand-the-good-news-of-truth/

Wife says to her husband, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the airbags on the new BMW work great!” This "good-news-bad news" line opens many great jokes. In the mediation world, there is also good news and bad news—leading to less humorous results. The good n ...

07/07/2022

Protecting Children in Divorce

“Well, Mom, I finally got the last box unpacked. The kids and I can now start to settle into our new home. Well, I can. They will be trying to settle here and in Dave’s home. It’s going to be so hard for them. Now that the divorce is final, how do I take care of them? How do I protect them? How to I build anything like a healthy childhood for them?”

As parents wonder where to begin to create a healthy family or how to build on what they are already doing, a few key principles emerge.protecting healthy childhood

Create a vision for your family.
“It’s really hard to map a journey if you don’t know your destination.” Anonymous. For parents trying to focus their energies and care well for their children, crafting a vision of what you want for your children proves invaluable. Some questions to ponder include:

“Who do I want my children to be when they are 25 years old?” Think about the kind of people you want your children to be. Common answers include traits like: kind, patient, generous, persevering, hard-working, respectful, etc. As you consider changing the landscape of our culture—what kind of people will it take to do that?
“What traits do I want to define the relationships my children have with others when they are 25?”
“What kind of relationship do I hope I will have with my children when they are 25?”
This vision helps focus your home. Because children become what they live, parents must model the traits they hope will define their children. Children spot hypocrisy from a mile away. So, to impart these traits to our children, we must first embody them in our interactions. If we want our children to be respectful or patient or kind, we must be respectful, patient, and kind with them. With our ex-spouse. With our boss. With everyone.

And we must be these in the most difficult moments. We must be respectful and patient with the nasty cashier at the check-out and the incompetent waiter at the restaurant. Anybody can be kind when life is going our way. When we are patient and kind with children who explode or the cashier who blows us off, we not only convince our children these traits really matter—we also show them how to be that kind of person when life gets hard.

Create security and significance for your child.
Security and significance form the two cores needs of every person. Our homes, therefore, need to be places where children feel safe and valued. We contribute to these when we:

Actively and lovingly set boundaries for children. While children (and pretty much everyone else) think they would love to be able to do whatever they want, they find security in boundaries. When parents set limits, children trust that someone is in charge. Making the decisions. Looking out for them. Of course, as children grow up—we slowly transition decision making to them. It’s a skill they need to learn and own. But, even in adolescence, children thrive when parents actively define appropriate behavior, responsibilities, and schedules.
Follow the rules we set for our children. If children can’t yell, neither should parents. If children need good sleep, so do parents. When parents adhere to the same standards we impose on children, security flows. Of course this is in principle more than details—a parent’s bedtime is different than a child’s, but both seek healthy sleep routines.
Focus on children. Set aside the phone, the computer, the television and spend time with your children. It can be hard! Some of us don’t know how to spend time with our children, so we take them to ball practice or plunk them in front of a video. While neither of those is inherently wrong, when our defining pattern is to shuffle children to something/someone else, children feel insignificant. Go to the library and check out one of the many of books on activities to do with children—they range from infant to teen. Play in the backyard. Go on walks. Join them on the toy room floor. Get together with other parents and their kids. When starting out, it’s ok to set a timer and say, “I will exclusively focus on my child/children for (10, 15, or 20) minutes.” This provides a weird kind of security that frees us to focus on just figuring out how to do engage with them. As we build the skills of being with our children, the time naturally extends. One day, we’re surprised by how connected we are to our child and how the time has flown.
Protect their childhood.
We live in a world that forces adult behaviors, questions, and values onto children. Push back. Children need their childhood. Their time to be innocent, curious, and exploratory. They need protected space where they are not the decision-makers or the mediators of conflict or the pawn of an agenda. This space allows them to discover themselves and the world under the watchful care of parents. They are not pushed to know adult themes, exposed to adult matters, nor expected to behave like adults. Instead, they are given the gift of childhood.

If you would like help in building this kind of home, please call The Resolution Center at 317-344-9740 or email [email protected]. We look forward to serving you.https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/protecting-healthy-childhood-even-after-divorce/

06/29/2022

Discernment Counseling for Couples

As Holly mopped the kitchen floor, one song echoed in her head. “Do I stay, or do I go?” Though not a Clash fan, she couldn’t get the refrain out of her head.

Many contemplating divorce face the same question.

“If I stay, I’m afraid nothing will ever get better,” thought Holly. “Yet, if I go—how much worse could it get? How will I pay the bills? What about the kids? ………Will I always be alone?”

It didn’t help that Doug vehemently refused to discuss the issue at all. “I will NEVER agree to a divorce” was his sole response when Holly raised the issue. She knew his faith left no room for considering divorce. But, did it say anything about how to fix their marriage? He was as unhappy as she. Were they doomed to just stay unhappy?

When couples aren’t sure whether to work on their marriage or to divorce—and even when one spouse wants to divorce but the other does not—Discernment Counseling brings clarity.

Because traditional counseling focuses on saving the marriage, spouses who have already given up often find it hard to be honest. They may go to counseling to pacify their spouse. Or, to say they tried everything. Or, to announce their intention to leave. Any of these blindsides the spouse who believes that they are both going to counseling to set the marriage right.

Discernment Counseling works differently. The counseling specifically focuses on helping couples decide whether to divorce or work on their marriage. In the majority of cases, one spouse (the leaning-in spouse) wants to save the marriage while the other (the leaning out spouse) wants to move on. Discernment Counseling provides a path for both spouses to jointly engage in the process while honestly recognizing their differing perspectives. Spouses consider all the consequences of rebuilding the marriage or divorcing before deciding. Because the central issue is whether the marriage will continue (rather than how will it continue), spouses can be honest about their own hopes and reservations.

The benefits include:

Limited commitment:

Discernment Counseling requires a limited commitment. Couples engage in 1 – 5 sessions. Even spouses convinced they want to end the marriage are often willing to give a few sessions a try.

Concrete focus:

Couples enter discernment counseling focused on one issue—where are we headed in our marriage? The first session offers three options:

Do we maintain the status quo? Couples explore the costs and benefits of continuing as they are—particularly in light of the other options.
Do we divorce? Both spouses take a hard look at the changes divorce would bring and what they would need to do to make a divorce work.
Do we commit to intensively work on our marriage? Couples evaluate whether they can take divorce off the table for 6 months to engage in a targeted therapy designed to create healthy patterns of relating between spouses.
Consideration of all factors:

Discernment counselors help both the leaning-in and leaning-out spouse consider their positions in light of all three options. Couples to consider together:

What has happened in the marriage to make divorce a possibility?
What has each of us done to fix the problems?
What role, if any, do children play in the decision?
What has worked best in our relationship?
Counselors then work separately with each spouse to help them understand their own role in the marriage and their willingness to work toward something different.

“Do I stay, or do I go?”

Struggling couples often can’t get the song out of their head. Discernment Counseling offers couples a clear path to make a mutual decision about their marriage and their desired future. Together, they figure out whether to stay or to go.

We understand that facing a marital crisis is scary and hard. If you would like more information on Discernment Counseling, on putting your marriage back together, or on proceeding with divorce–we are available to answer your questions. Just email [email protected] or call 317-344-9740. We look forward to serving you. Please note that this article is for information purposes only. For help with your specific situation, consult a professional.

06/09/2022

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” Mother Teresa

Dear Scared Parent,

“How can I possibly protect my child?” This is the question scared parents are asking as coverage of the 27th school shooting of 2022 unfolds.scared parents While others debate politics, parents just want to know, “What is going on—and, how do I keep my child safe?”

As parents, we feel so small. So inadequate. So unprepared for a world where our child may sit beside their killer in the classroom or at the lunch table. Where just running with them into the grocery for a gallon of milk could mean they don’t come out. Where people get into a car, drive to a park, and shoot people. Is there anything we can do?

Yes.

The factors that got us to this place are too numerous and complex to delve into here. However, there is a common thread. Our country is increasingly made up of isolated people who feel no ties or bonds with others. Absent these, it becomes easier to see people as property. Items that either benefit (and should be used) or get in the way (and should be disposed). This disposal comes in many forms—though, thankfully, not usually literally. But, whether we cut a person off in traffic or cut down a rival with a gun, the heart is the same. “This person is no use to me and needs to get out of my way.” And, the most vulnerable feel the effects most intently, including children.

So, parents have a huge opportunity. First, we teach their children that they are NOT property but are instead human beings with inherent value and owed deep honor. As we do this, we help our children see other people that way, too. As we build bonds with our children, we give children a place to belong and teach them how to also bond with others. As we create supportive, interdependent, loving communities where people serve and protect each other in our homes—we teach children how to build those communities in other places. The ball field. The neighborhood park. The school lunchroom.

Since we are a couple of generations into this pattern of isolation, many parents feel completely unprepared for this task. They love their children deeply. They want the best for their children. They deeply desire the storybook home—but they have no idea how to create one. It’s ok. While healthy homes come in a huge variety of patterns and styles, a few common threads form the foundation. If you would like help learning these, feel free to email Info@TheResolutionCenterIndy. com or call 317-344-9740. We would be happy to discuss these with you.

As parents ponder what happened in Texas, and in all those other schools and all those other shootings, most often we want to change the world that made those attacks possible. We can. We can go home and love our families. By doing that, we create the bonds that connect people and build communities that change the world.

06/03/2022

“Will I be homeless when this is done?” Jen tearfully whispered the question that hounded her since Seth announced he wanted a divorce.

All too often, clients enter the divorce process assuming the most dire outcomes. Previously, it was easy to assure them that—though life would be different—they would be ok.

Today—between COVID, rising health costs, and sky-rocketing inflation—that assurance is less certain. And, no area challenges couples in divorce quite like housing. Often the marital home is a major—if not THE major—asset. For couples with children, it represents even more. Helping couples navigate this challenge proves critical to a successfully completing a divorce.

Challenge 1: We can sell our house. . . but can we buy?
In the past, home values were relatively stable. More, low interest rates opened the possibilities for home ownership to a broad spectrum of people.

Now, skyrocketing home prices creates the benefit of increased equity. Couples who purchased their homes even as little as three years ago have seen huge jumps in the value of their home. When selling, couples have more money to split, which helps with paying off debt and providing money to move forward separately.

Yet, when buying, each person often finds they can’t afford to relocate within their neighborhood. Higher values mean they can’t afford even the home they just sold. When individuals must move a distance to find something affordable, they feel they not only lost their marriage—they lost their friends, their community, and their support network.

Even worse—many can’t afford to purchase a house but must rent. While not homeless, they feel displaced.

The challenge grows for couples with children.

Challenge 2: Can we keep the house for the children?
Often parents want to keep the house to protect children’s ties to neighborhood, friends, and school. So, they agree that one will keep the house. This means buying out the other parent by refinancing the house in the first parent’s sole name and paying the other their share of the equity.

Yet, while one or both parents may be able to afford the current mortgage payment on their own, higher house values create significantly more value in equity. The amount to buy out the other parent combined with an increased interest rate on a far bigger mortgage often means neither can afford the new payment.

Nor can they afford to sell the current home and buy in the same neighborhood or school district. At the same time their house increased in value—so did the others. Despite sizeable equity, many parents can’t afford to keep children in their school.

Challenge 3: I have the money, but where is the house?
Even couples with ample finances struggle. Parents often find co-parenting goes more smoothly when parents live close to one another. Transportation between parenting time proves easier. Children who can ride their bike or walk between mom and dad’s home adjust more quickly and more healthily to their redefined family. Both parents find it easier to participate in school events, attend games, and go to extra-curricular activities. So, when one parent can afford to keep the marital house, the other often wants to buy a home close by.

Yet, as one parent stated, “When I FINALLY see a house come on the market, I stand in the driveway writing an offer only to find it already sold—for thousands more than asking price. How am I supposed to find something?”

Even with new construction, parents are looking at a minimum of a year before they can get into a home. Where are they to stay in the meantime? And, what does the uncertainty do to their children?

Ways to meet the challenge and beat the crisis
Traditional court rules for addressing housing issues merely exacerbate this crisis. Mediation offers couples the opportunity to explore creative ways to meet the challenge, without becoming homeless. Here are some tips:

Tip 1–Get Ready for Financing

A seasoned mortgage broker offers her insights for those seeking to refinance the marital home or buy a new home due to divorce:

Start the mortgage process before filing—If couples know that one will buy out the other or that both need to purchase a different home quickly, completing the financial side of the settlement agreement before filing for divorce eases the process. Once the Petition for Dissolution is filed, the mortgage company generally can’t close a mortgage until the divorce is completed. Couples in Conciliation Mediation can meet with the mediator to create a financial plan and proceed with finding housing before filing for divorce, which allows for quicker, smoother transitions.
Understand the 6-month rule for child support or maintenance (alimony)—If an individual plans to use child support or maintenance (Indiana’s version of alimony) to qualify for a mortgage, they must receive these payments for at least 6 months before the payments can be used to qualify for a loan. Knowing this timeline helps individuals understand timing and create a housing plan.
PAY THE BILLS!—Divorcing couples often communicate poorly, which can prove disastrous in the mortgage process. Each person needs to know which bills they will pay and follow through. Any non-payment of a joint liability affects credit score which affects qualifying for the mortgage. The most important bill is the current mortgage. Once mortgage payments are delinquent, the mortgage company must wait 12 months post-delinquency to qualify an individual for a new mortgage—whether refinancing the current house or a new mortgage.
Get Creative on Housing

Traditionally couples either sell the house and split the proceeds or one spouse buys out the other. With rising housing costs and mortgage rates, often neither can afford to buy out the other—yet they need to keep the house for the children, for elderly parents, for a home-based business, or because it is the only home they can afford at present.

Co-owning the home—Many couples are agreeing to continue co-owning the marital home for the time being. This avoids the double burden of buying out suddenly higher equity at a significantly higher interest rate.

Pros—This allows couples to keep a home they may need to keep either for financial reasons or for children. Established businesses reatin their locale. Parents keep children or elderly family in a familiar home, in their neighborhood, and in their school. Often, one parent stays in the home while the other finds a new place. Or, increasingly, parents actually rotate into the home for parenting time and live elsewhere during the other parent’s time. This eases the transition for the children and allows each parent to still enjoy the home.
Cons—Both spouses stay on the loan, which affects the non-residential spouse being able to borrow for other purchases. More, the non-residential spouse risks being liable for non-payment of mortgage payments, if the spouse remaining in the home defaults. For rotating parents, the ability to establish an individual life can be compromised and still sharing living space with the other parent can be difficult. Very clear language in the Settlement Agreement needs to define this option to protect both.
Alternative payout—Instead of an immediate refinance of the current mortgage, one spouse can cay buy out the other over time. Couples agree to a money judgment for regular payments that are more affordable than the new mortgage payment a refinance would require. If one spouse doesn’t want to buy a home soon but needs income, this option meets that goal.

There can be a hybrid of some payment now through a smaller refinance and a money judgment to pay the rest, with a final balloon payment at a set time in the future. Couples can agree on perhaps a larger share of the equity going to the spouse who waits as a form of compensation.

Home equity loan—Taking out a home equity loan is another way to buy out a spouse now and keep payments affordable. While the interest rate on the loan to the other spouse may be a bit higher, the primary mortgage stays at the lower rate. More, some people are able to qualify for a home equity loan when they could not for a new mortgage.

For any of these options, the couple will need a carefully crafted agreement that sets the length of time they will co-own, provides financial protection for both, and outlines how the equity will eventually be split along with compensating the non-residential spouse for foregoing receiving funds for the time being.

Please note that this information is general and is not intended as advice. Consult a professional for specific recommendations for your situation.

The Resolution Center is known for helping couples find creative solutions far beyond the few available through the legal system. We help couples who are willing to work together successfully navigate all the challenges of divorce. If you would like more information, please email [email protected] or call 317-344-9740. We look forward to serving you.

05/12/2022

As Joanne dropped into bed, the events of the day swirled through her head. Joanne relived the nightmare of the emergency run back to the school to grab a forgotten backpack. Amidst the soccer and gymnastics practices–she barely made it before the custodian locked the doors. Just as she began to relax, her heart stopped.

They forgot the Skype call to Scott.

The late school run had pushed them home just in time for bed. The kids barely brushed their teeth before laying down. She had totally forgotten the mid-week check-in with their dad. And, had failed to let him know it wouldn’t happen.

Joanne checked her phone. Sure enough–it had exploded with texts from Scott. What could she do now?

May ushers in a season of frenzy. Just as schools gear up for a big finish, summer activities begin. Caught between both, parents drop balls.

Trying to live the frenzy from two houses, divorced parents feel the pinch even more. What can make the season better?

1) Create a common calendar.

Everyone needs the big picture. When both parents see the same information, they both understand the demands. Using apps such as OurFamilyWizard or 2houses.com help parents coordinate information, even when they don’t communicate well with each other.

As both check the calendars, they can work together to ensure children get everywhere they need to go. Even better, parents see the potential rough spots. They can anticipate when life will get in the way of parenting plans.

2) Assume the best, not the worst.

People generally divorce because they stopped trusting each other. That mistrust colors everything–often causing parents to see the other in the worst possible light. Sometimes this is warranted. Often it isn’t.

If one parent fails to meet a commitment, the other should first assume a legitimate reason.

Perhaps she didn’t respond to the text asking for a quick visit because she was mowing and didn’t hear it. Perhaps he was late to pick up the kids because construction caused a huge back-up on the highway. Perhaps the Skype call was missed because bedlam broke loose, and a parent forgot.

When parents give the benefit of the doubt, they begin to rebuild trust. Which makes working together easier. They ease the other parent’s load at a difficult time. They model for their children how to be understanding when someone lets you down. A particularly useful lesson for when parents mess up with their children.

3) Own failures.

Once Joanne’s heart began to beat again, she swallowed hard and picked up the phone. Knowing Scott was likely both angry and scared, she called instead of texting. Any parent would wonder why a commitment was missed. Not being able to get an answer only increases anxiety. Though texting would have felt safer, it left too much room for deeper misunderstanding. Scott needed a straight answer.

“Scott, this is Joanne. I’ve seen your texts and want to explain. Can you please listen? I need to apologize for not getting to Skype. The kids are fine, but we had a crazy night that went much later than I thought it would. Plus, I had to run to the school unexpectedly and in the process I forgot it was a Skype night. I’m sure you were worried and frustrated. I’m sorry. What can I do to make it up?”

When parents own their own failures, they diffuse the situation. More, when parents work hard to ensure mistakes don’t repeat, the other parent more easily trusts that the occasional glitches are truly glitches–not manipulation.

In a season of frenzy, both parents need the grace of each other to cover the inevitable dropped balls. That grace comes as parents plan ahead for the chaos, assume the other is doing their best, and are willing to take responsibility for their own failings. Parents who follow these keys help each other get through the frenzy–and make the season easier for both.

If you would like support in creating a healthy co-parenting relationship, call us at 317-599-7075 or email [email protected] We look forward to serving you.
https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/parenting-in-the-frenzy/

05/02/2022

Beth and Joe just looked at each other. Had they really just decided to divorce? Though they had talked around the idea with their counselor and their friends, neither really expected it to come to this. Yet, here it was. Then, the next question hit. "How do we tell the children?"
https://theresolutioncenterindy.com/how-to-tell-the-children-weve-decided-to-divorce/