Nanci A. Smith, Esq. PLLC

10/11/2022

“Untangling Your Marriage helps couples “untie the knot” with a clear, compassionate and practical path forward. Written by a fellow human being, who happens to be a lawyer, this book demystifies the legal divorce process and attends to the emotional side of things. Readers will learn how to choose the right kind of lawyer (and other divorce professionals) who will support them to create a new vision for their future - one that attends to the important relationships they created while together. Nanci Smith’s voice is truly engaging and real.” - Jacinta Gallant, lawyer and author of Going Steady: A Toolkit for Building Our Future Together

06/21/2022

Mindfulness is an essential tool to process how you feel, connect with your surroundings and look inward. It is great for everyday life but essential during a divorce.
Why?
During a traditional divorce, people shun away from hurt and lean into anger or emotionlessness to just get through it, a process called absencing. But this attitude can be destructive to the individual, their partner, their family, and their community.

How can you avoid that negative impact? Collaborative divorce may be an option for you and your family. It won’t be a painless alternative but it can help you build a better future.

That’s one thing I see in almost all of my clients who have chosen Collaborative Divorce. They are willing to consider becoming the architects of connection for what their lives will look like after their marriage is over. They want to be involved in understanding their options, they want to be good co-parents and even friends with their spouse and they need to see a path to get there.

According to Otto Scharmer, the key to the architecture of connection is being able to envision the future and figure out how to get there.

Want to learn more about the architecture of connection and how collaborative divorce is a micro level action of Scharmer’s macro level ideas? Check out my article, “A pull from the future, not a push from the past.”

If you’re having trouble reading the headlines these days, I understand how you feel. It’s tough to take in all the news about the consequences of climate change, gun violence, the campaign against reproductive rights, or the systematic dismantling of our democratic system without feeling a litt...

06/14/2022

When you hear the word divorce, what comes to mind?

To some it might be separating, leaving, betrayal, lies, deceit, or failure. Whatever comes to your mind, it is most often negative. This is how divorce is viewed, as a bitter, negative battle stemming from the death of a relationship. Instead, I am interested in changing the way we frame the experience of divorce. Instead of cutting off your spouse from your life, divorce is an opportunity to transform yourself and your relationship.

According to Otto Scharmer, “Human beings are the only species on earth that can reimagine and reshape their own future.” Why can’t that be true for the divorce process?

Collaborative Divorce is about refusing to opt into a system that is designed to break things. Instead of a damaging process that involves battles over the distribution of assets or custody of children, Collaborative Divorce encourages you and your spouse to come together, to separate amicably and respectfully. It is the new paradigm for divorce.

Check out my article, “A pull from the future, not a push from the past,” to read how you can be the architect of your future during and after your divorce.

If you’re having trouble reading the headlines these days, I understand how you feel. It’s tough to take in all the news about the consequences of climate change, gun violence, the campaign against reproductive rights, or the systematic dismantling of our democratic system without feeling a litt...

05/24/2022

I had the privilege to talk with marriage, family, and child therapist Dr.Carol Hughes about the emotional impact of divorce on a group that is often left out of the discussion: adult children.

First, parents must understand that their divorce is affecting their adult children. They are often excluded from the traditional narrative since they are not relevant to discussions about child support and custody.

But adult children have lived in an intact family for decades. They can experience a depth of emotional dislocation when told their parents are divorcing.

Read my article, “How Does ‘Gray Divorce’ Affect Adult Children”, to learn about the rise of ‘Gray Divorce’, the impact on adult children and the best ways to support one another when the parents in a family are divorcing.

In her seminal book Home Will Never be the Same Again, marriage, family, and child therapist Carol Hughes talks about the emotional impact of divorce on a group that is often left out of the discussion: adult children. They are often excluded from the traditional narrative since they are not legally...

05/17/2022

During a divorce, adult children are often left behind and out of the discussion.

In her seminal book Home Will Never be the Same Again, marriage, family, and child therapist Carol Hughes talks about the emotional impact of divorce on adult children. During divorce proceedings, if the child or children of the couple are of legal age then they are almost never talked about. Yet, the effect of divorce on their lives cannot be overstated.

I had a great conversation with Dr. Hughes about the rise of “gray divorce” among older people, the feelings it can cause in their adult children, and the best ways to support each other. Check out my article “How Does ‘Gray Divorce’ Affect Adult Children” to read our conversation.

In her seminal book Home Will Never be the Same Again, marriage, family, and child therapist Carol Hughes talks about the emotional impact of divorce on a group that is often left out of the discussion: adult children. They are often excluded from the traditional narrative since they are not legally...

05/10/2022

Even if they’ve seen how unhappy their parents are, children may feel blindsided by the news of a divorce. But you can make things easier for them. You can guide them through the process so that it’s not quite so scary.

It is more than how you explain it to them, but also how you interact with their other parent during this time. Children can sense the tension between their parents. How you behave during your divorce process will directly impact their sense of security as well as how they handle their new reality of adjusting to life in two homes.

In my article, “Talking with Your Children About Collaborative Divorce,” I give you tips on how to divorce with dignity so your kids, no matter their age, can feel stable during this major change.

As bad as divorce can be for the couple going through it, that’s nothing compared to how it can negatively impact their children. At least the couple has seen it coming for a while and has had some time to be prepared emotionally. Even if they’ve seen how unhappy their parents are, children may ...

05/03/2022

As bad as divorce can be for the couple going through it, that’s nothing compared to how it can negatively impact their children. There’s no way to completely shield your children from the pain of divorce. But you can make things easier for them. How?

Collaborative Divorce — an out-of-court process where you agree on the important issues that will impact your family together at your own pace and in your own way — can bring out the best in a couple by encouraging calm, rational conversations about the future.

If you have chosen a Collaborative Divorce, you will discuss all the issues having to do with co-parenting your children’s future together. Instead of a judge ruling about custody and visitation issues, you make those decisions in the safety of the Collaborative container, together, and with the support of a qualified family systems professional.

It can be comforting for many children to know that their well-being is being considered by their parents, in a non-adversarial process, and not by a judge after a court battle.
Read my article, “Talking with Your Children About Collaborative Divorce,” to learn how to divorce in a healthier way - for both you and your family.

As bad as divorce can be for the couple going through it, that’s nothing compared to how it can negatively impact their children. At least the couple has seen it coming for a while and has had some time to be prepared emotionally. Even if they’ve seen how unhappy their parents are, children may ...

04/26/2022

When it comes to grief, how long is too long? After a debate that lasted well over a decade, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, known as the DSM-5, recently added a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder.

How does the American Psychiatric Association classify new disorders? Do divorced people experience the same types of loss responses (prolonged grief, major depression, post-traumatic stress) as those who’ve dealt with a death?

Get the answers to these questions and more in my article “How Long Should You Grieve After a Divorce?”, where I talk with clinical psychologist Zakieh Bigio Klurfeld about divorce, loss and grief.

When it comes to grief, how long is too long? After debate that lasted well over a decade, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, known as the DSM-5, recently added a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder. The definition is anguish over the death of a loved one l...

04/19/2022

The definition of prolonged grief disorder is anguish over the death of a loved one lasting more than a year. But according to experts like clinical psychologist Zakieh Bigio Klurfeld, prolonged grief disorder can affect people going through divorce as well.

Klurfeld is the lead author of a fascinating study called “Comparing the Nature of Grief and Growth in Bereaved, Divorced, and Unemployed Individuals,” published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. I was excited to talk with her about her findings, especially around divorce.

Check out my article “How Long Should You Grieve After a Divorce?” to read our conversation about divorce, loss, grief and how to cope.

When it comes to grief, how long is too long? After debate that lasted well over a decade, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, known as the DSM-5, recently added a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder. The definition is anguish over the death of a loved one l...

04/12/2022

As the Institute for Health and Human Potential puts it: “It’s a scientific fact that emotions precede thought. When emotions run high, they change the way our brains function…diminishing our cognitive abilities, decision-making powers, and even interpersonal skills. Understanding and managing our emotions (and the emotions of others) helps us to be more successful in both our personal and professional lives.”

Divorce is one of the top three most stressful and emotionally charged events a person can go through in their life. You can buckle down, put your head down and get ready for war with your former spouse. Or you can choose a better way.

Collaborative divorce encourages you and your spouse to work together to untangle your lives. It is still emotionally charged but there are no winners or losers like traditional litigation sometimes encourages. Through a collaborative divorce process your team will encourage you and your spouse to exercise emotional agility.

What is emotional agility? Learn what it is and how to use it in my article, “How Emotional Agility Can Help You Navigate Divorce”.

When someone tells me that they are considering divorce, I often suggest that their first call shouldn’t be to a lawyer. Rather, I say that investing in a relationship with a skillful mental health professional is usually the place to start, unless there is active domestic violence in the relation...

04/06/2022

What is emotional agility? First you need to know what emotional intelligence is. You might have heard of emotional intelligence but if you haven’t it is the ability to recognize, manage and understand your own emotions and the emotions of others.

Emotional agility is when we engage our emotional intelligence, and can respond in positive ways to overcome challenges, empathize with others, and communicate more effectively with the people around us, including our spouses who often trigger us the most.

During a divorce you are going to feel pain, loss, loneliness and possibly betrayal. How you feel is valid but you want to process those strong emotions so that they do not dominate and control your legal and financial decision-making.

Read my article “How Emotional Agility Can Help You Navigate Divorce” to understand how to feel your feelings, process them and move forward to start the new chapter in your life.

When someone tells me that they are considering divorce, I often suggest that their first call shouldn’t be to a lawyer. Rather, I say that investing in a relationship with a skillful mental health professional is usually the place to start, unless there is active domestic violence in the relation...

03/22/2022

The concept of Collaborative Divorce has been around for 30 years.

Why haven’t more people heard of it?

Collaborative Divorce isn’t yet a household word, and I think it’s partly because the term itself causes a bit of cognitive dissonance. Those two seemingly opposite ideas sitting so close to each other sends a signal to our brains: “This does not compute.”

As a society we think of divorce as a battle but I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Read my article, “Why Does Collaborative Divorce Seem Like Such a Contradiction?” to understand how divorce can actually be positive.

A new colleague reached out to me the other day with a question: The concept of Collaborative Divorce has been around for 30 years. Why haven’t more people heard of it? It’s a fair question. Collaborative Divorce isn’t yet a household word, and I think it’s partly because the term itself cau...