08/06/2019
HOW TO MAKE A DIVORCE AGONIZINGLY SLOW
First Step: Argue over things that don't matter. In almost every contested divorce there is a party who says, "I've finally decided to stand up for myself!" and there's another spouse who is accustomed to getting his or her way. If you cannot see it, these two facts make a wonderful formula for a long, agonizing divorce case. By all means, stand up for what is right in your divorce, but understand, too, that you ARE getting rid of your spouse and so, fighting over the dishes may turn out to be penny-wise and dollar-foolish. I once had a client who spent $1200 in fees with me; and his wife spent at least that much with her own lawyer, arguing over who would get the washing machine! And yes, my honesty compelled me to explain that my fees were more than the cost of a new machine!
Second Step: Take off with the children and don't return them when you're supposed to. In many cases, this scenario stems from age-old miscommunication in the marriage. Nevertheless, using the kids as weapons is a great way to stay married to your spouse! Inevitably, he or she will try to "punish" you with either a contempt case, or through lengthy discovery, each of which can easily double the time it takes to finalize a divorce. Keep in mind: when you use kids as weapons, you are harming your own children as much as you are aggravating your spouse. So, keep it clean with the kids!
Third Step: Tell your lawyer lies. I don't care how many Law & Order episodes you've watched, a surprised lawyer is almost always a lousy lawyer! You do NOT want your lawyer to be six months into a contested divorce only to suddenly find out about your drug problem, or your DWI conviction, or that child abuse investigation. Most lawyers will rise to the occasion in a case when they know in advance that there are "issues" out there to address. Contrariwise, a lawyer is not going to "pull out all of the stops" in prepping for a hearing in which the parties appear only to disagree but neither seems to have excessive baggage. Undoing the damage that serious non-disclosure causes, can literally take years in some instances. For my own part, when I know what's coming before a hearing starts then I'm pretty darn good at defending my client. But I am much less capable when I'm in the middle of a cross-examination and I hear the words, "Oh yeah! Well, she drops the kids off at her drug dealer's house!" (yes, I heard that one before)
Divorce can sometimes be longer than desirable, but we should do all that we can to insure that it not be the result of our misdeeds.