Clean Slate Mediation

04/22/2026

I am always very cautious my blog posts details are vague enough so clients do not recognize themselves or feel their privacy has been violated or a trust broken.

I met with these clients over a year ago and I will not identify the parents as either Mom or Dad, simply as parents. I also will refer to the child as X only.

They had been married almost twenty years and found themselves contemplating divorce. They were still living together and co-parenting their three children. Over the years they had drifted along in their marriage, busy with family demands and work demands. That happens frankly in most marriages with kids. They have not had enough time to focus on their relationship but that does not mean divorce is the best solution in most situations.

I was not picking up a clear sense of their specific relationship challenges and they were very businesslike in all their discussions and exchanges. Separating property and assets was easily worked through with an accountant’s precision.

As I asked about their children I was met with a stony silence. Finally one said simply “We do not agree”. Not agree on custody? Child support?

I asked what did they specifically not agree on. “X claims they are transgender”. The other parent shot back “X is transgender, X is not just claiming it”. It did not improve from there.

The exchange continued with allegations of propping up teenage “fads”, being too close-minded, caring too much what other people think and on and on. They never mentioned their two other children.

Once they had burned off that energy I asked them about their marriage. When had is stopped being supportive and positive? They both looked at each other and gave the same answer. “When X announced they were transgender it soon felt as everything shifted and morphed because we see the issue so differently. It is one thing to have a discussion in general about an issue but an entirely different experience when it is your own child”. Both parents were now crying.

We took a short break and when we all sat down again I asked them if possibly their marriage was not the challenge but rather X’s transgender status and how to parent such an issue, especially when they had very different responses and belief systems.

I suggested they try meeting with a marriage and family therapist before they continued with the divorce. I told them they were always welcome to return to mediation and I would be glad to continue working with them if that was their final decision. I never have heard back from them in over a year.

Parenting is so hard. I have seen couples come almost to blows over whether their child should play traveling hockey, I cannot image trying to parent a delicate and major decision when the parents are so divided. Clearly both parents wanted the best for X, they just had very different ideas of what “best” was.

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04/15/2026

I never ask “why” for a reason-

Every mediator has a different style and tone. In divorce or separation mediation sessions I focus on the outcome and I attempt to mold discussions to be helpful and progressive. I never ask why a couple is separating. It simply does not matter legally, unless of course a crime has been committed or there are concerns around domestic abuse or child abuse. Why the divorce is happening does not matter to the court system. It obviously does matter greatly to the parties directly involved.

I recently mediated for a separating couple. They had been married long enough to have children, raise those children and now were empty-nesters. In my experience generally one of two things has brought them to this point. They either have simply grown apart and find a “stranger” in the kitchen getting coffee in the morning or one of them- sometimes both- has had an affair and the quiet house creates an Elephant in the Room.

I use a simple intake packet for mediation clients so I can collect factual information in advance and not use session time- and their money- to collect addresses, emails etc. That packet does not ask why they are seeking a divorce. I never ask why they are separating because rankly it does not matter to the court why they are separating.

In this recent session we were working through separating their assets and a palpable tension was rising in the room. Finally the wife looks at me, slaps the tabletop and thunders “Aren’t you going to ask what he did?” This is a delicate moment for a mediator. If I acknowledge her desire to tell me I have risked losing control of the mediation but she might feel heard and honored. If I do not acknowledge her desire to tell, I have potentially left her feeling invalidated and likely not willing to continue the mediation. Her husband looked as though all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

I took a deep breath and explained it does not matter legally but it does matter in a personal and relational sense. I made eye contact with her husband, he nodded and looked down. I asked her why they were divorcing. She roared out “He F^@ #$%^&&&^^ed her and ruined our lives” and she began weeping.

I suggested we take a 10 minute break. After the break we started again on the list of assets and actually made great progress. After the session I emailed her a list of excellent therapists who could help her process her grief for the marriage and help her develop skills to carry her forward in her “new” future.

Sometimes life hurts. It just does.

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03/22/2026

Nesting
I recently met for the first time with a divorcing couple who were mediating a divorce settlement and also a custody plan for their children. With rare exceptions new divorce clients with children always state within the first three minutes of meeting “We only want to do what is best for our children.” Or “Our kids are the first priority”.

Within 30 minutes of those comments I generally begin to understand if those statements are true or false. I believe although the parents do intellectually want what is best for the kids those same parents cannot see past their own issues and agendas to view the proposed choices and options through the filter of their children. They respond and posture from an emotional and reactive personal place which is not prepared to currently parent, much less function as an adult. This is the point often when they begin to argue about the microwave, or custody of the dog and unfortunately, the fates of their children.

Parents need to determine where they each will live and more importantly where the children will live after the divorce. Money can be very tight and the prospect of each maintaining a space large enough to accommodate the kids is daunting. Plus the children are now required to shuttle back and forth between two homes. Honestly, kids cannot find their own gym bag in the morning. It is hard on kids to have to plan out a week in advance what they need and what they will want.

My recent clients truly did want was best for their children. I suggested they consider an option for a housing arrangement that I usually do not even bother to present because the parents would not be mature enough to commit to the success. “Nesting” arrangements have the children living permanently in one home. They do not shuttle between parents; rather the parents bear the burden of shuttling and stay in the home during their parenting time. The kids always sleep in the same bedroom, all their possessions are in one place, they have the shampoo they want and their physical life is as it was before the divorce, granted they may move once but from then on they have one address. Obviously their life are different but their dresser, clean or messy, is exactly the same.

Nesting provides a deep layer of security and stability, which is exactly what these kids need…now and for years to come.

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07/31/2024

65 is the new 45
I have been noticing a trend with divorce mediation clients I have been working with that directly parallels a national trend. Many clients are seeking to separate and divorce after 30 or even 40 years of marriage. The term for this phenomenon is “Gray Divorce.”

I recently worked with a couple who were 60 and 62 years old. They had been married 36 years. Their children were married or moved out. The husband and wife were both still working, both physically healthy active people with lots of interests and activities.

They simply had drifted apart. Neither claimed the other was unfaithful, no addictive behavior, no staggering debt, no clear cause or root of the separation. Somewhere along their daily lives they stopped interacting with each other and stopped relying on each other. Careers, work travel and frankly social media and instant internet access steal away intimacy and energy from a marriage. Suddenly you are 63 and realize you have been living with a roommate instead of a spouse.

Friends and family will be surprised to hear they are separating, but not really. We all know people in that situation, maybe even ourselves. Al and Tipper Gore separated in their early 60s after 40 years of marriage. The presidential campaign and election apparently toppled an already weakened foundation.

Many 65 year olds live as though they are 35 or 45. They are planning for the future, launching new businesses, running half-marathons, pursuing interests, publishing, creating art, traveling. 65 used to be considered “senior citizens”. The term suggested early bird dinners, coupon clipping, Buicks and The Price is Right. That reality may be true for some people but not for the Gray Divorce clients I have been working with.

04/29/2024

It is not too good to be true!
Mediation myths
There are many myths regarding mediation that need to be explored and dispelled. There is a lot of misinformation confusion. I’d like to try to clear some of that up by sharing accurate information regarding mediation and the services that mediators offer.

Myth #1: Only people who agree can mediate. If that were true, there would be no need to mediate. Of course people who disagree can mediate, just like people who are angry can mediate and people who don’t really like each other can mediate. All they have to do is agree to mediate, not agree upon every issue between them. Mediators do not expect their clients to talk quietly and never raise their voices, and a mediator truly has to feel comfortable being in the middle of people expressing anger and frustration, often times loudly. The mediator’s job, for example through restating and framing what a party says and asking questions, is to get them to really hear what the other is sharing.

Hopefully the discussions highlight where they have shared and common interests which allows parties to brainstorm resolutions.

02/15/2024

I am leading a free Black History Month tour at Minneapolis Institute of Art Mia on Wednesday February 21 at 1:00-2:00. Meet me across from the gift shop.

08/23/2023

Labor Day is coming, school is starting, the days are shortening and reality sinks in, summer is over. September brings mediation candidates who were able to handle living together in the summer as there are opportunities outside, activities and frankly outdoor seating and they can spread out more. September means in the house, school schedules, soccer and baseball games. Also conflicts can intensify over parenting time and the children's changing needs and schedules.

I offer a free 30 minute consultation to get an overview of how mediation would help them by calming conflict, collaboratively making decisions and frankly save them a lot of money, really a lot of money.

If they do not feel mediation is a good option for them, at least they are both starting from the same point with the same information.

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612-308-9994

03/15/2023

I admit it, I am a fan of true crime drams. Netflix has a series named “Dirty John/Betty Broderick”. The second season features Betty Broderick, a true story of a woman entangled in a terrible divorce to which she has also contributed to the complexity and expense of the divorce she does not want.
In Season 2 episode 3, her husband who is a medical doctor and an attorney practicing law in the specialty of medical malpractice, is having dinner at the club with other attorneys and discussing that one of them will be filing for divorce from his wife and what advice to the other attorneys have for him before he files. The advice from his colleagues is rapid fire and specific;
“-close all joint bank checking and savings accounts and sweep the funds into an account in his name only
-secure all liquid assets in his name only, stocks, bonds, cash, coins, antiques, artwork, automobiles, jewelry, anything she could sell for cash
-change the beneficiary on any policy or agreement in which she is named beneficiary
-defer all bonuses and additional compensation under after the established date of separation
-copy all tax returns, deeds, bank statements, 401Ks, pension plans, all bank statements and brokerage accounts
-accelerate any major credit purchases before the date of separation
-make orthodontist appointments for the kids and pay in advance. Get the kids into therapy and pay in advance
-Change your beneficiary with the Social Security Administration so she does not receive your benefits
-Encourage and support her dreams, whatever helps to make her more independent but obviously do not tell her why”
The program is set in the 1970s and 1980s and the expectations around divorce settlements are different now. Every now and then I encounter a woman whose spouse has frozen her out and she literally has no money and no access to money. He has limited and removed her access the marital assets. Once the divorce is settled, she will receive access to her settlement but women often settle much faster and for less with no access to money or credit.
Sadly, this can still happen if either party is calculating and cold enough. It can be either spouse too.
I need to shower now.

11/23/2022

Covid Lessons

Covid made re-evaluate how my mediation sessions are scheduled and designed, and it was helpful process.

Pre-Covid I would arrange to meet with the mediation participants in a professional setting such as a conference room or space in an attorney’s office. Generally those spaces are neither interesting nor inviting. Glass walled conference rooms are the worst setting if there are not privacy curtains available. Imagine discussing your divorce settlement while people walk by and look in.

During Covid I, as everyone did, needed to get creative. I did still use some conference rooms with the parties seated on opposite ends of the conference table and masked. It felt stiff and rigid but it did work.

As the weather warmed I started offering participants a chance to meet at Bayport Park on the banks of the St. Croix River. The picnic tables are far enough apart that our conversations were private and the tables were shaded by large beautiful trees. People really liked the beautiful setting and nature seemed to help them process better and relaxed more. We would often pause for a moment while bald eagles flew right over us. Children were particularly more comfortable than in a conference room.

I also relied on Zoom for mediation sessions. Zoom meant people did not have to leave their homes; parents did not need a sitter or grandparent to watch their children. Zoom created some challenges in that people occasionally had a new spouse or a partner off camera but clearly participating by passing notes or jumping in. I did need to ask the person not directly in the mediation to leave the room if the other party in the Zoom meeting was uncomfortable and did not them hearing the mediation. Honestly though, having a “Third Wheel” sometimes helped the parties discuss the hidden issues such as differing parenting styles, boundaries and co-parenting. Zoom also was very effective at capping-off bad behavior because you saw your own face in that little square. Participants saw themselves scowl, roll their eyes, their angry looks and they saw their own body language such a clenched shoulders or Resting Bitch Face. People quickly self-corrected when they actually saw their behavior.

I will continue to offer these different options for their mediations, but the outside in nature option will need to wait until the snow melts.

Sheila-Marie Untiedt
Rule 114 Qualified Mediator, Parenting Consultant PC and Early Neutral Elevator ENE
Clean Slate Mediation.net
612-308-9994

09/15/2022

Election Fall-out
I now have had two mediations with two separate couples in which both women had decided to leave and divorce due to their partner’s changing political views. I had never mediated a situation like this before and now to have two couples in the same circumstances really caught me by surprise. The couples were similar in age, length of the marriage and frankly might live on the same cul-de-sac.
In both cases the husband had shifted or changed his political viewpoints to be much more conservative than in previous years and also had become combative in conversation, but not physically. The men were now consuming a great deal of news programming, much more than earlier in the marriages.
Both wives were willing to walk away from the marriage because of the shift in political views. Clearly the gender roles could be reversed but in these two cases they women no longer willing to tolerate the relationship and the associated politics.
I suspect neither relationship was without challenges but the angle of repose was Fake News.
Sheila-Marie Untiedt
www.cleanslatemediation.net
612-308-9994