12/22/2025
Case Dismissed!
After accusations from an entire village, Client returns home to his dog Max!
Charges: several hundred counts of First Degree Burglary, in occupied dwellings; evading; and possession.
Relying on the eye-witness identification of a child, lazy authorities charged Client with stealing Christmas presents, lights, and trees from all of the homes in the village. All of this despite the fact that Client does not own any transportation other than a sleigh, a vehicle commonly associated with GIVING presents.
We started with cross-racial identification issues. We abandoned this theory after thorough investigation; we learned the complaining witness’s parents run an Anti-Grinch NGO which uses their money to fund bad holiday movies and toys that break within 2 minutes (see, TEMU).
Innocent Client, a stranger to the customs of this village, did not recognize the sirens and officers charged Client with evading. Shoutout to expert Kris Kringle, who explained the sleigh cannot move faster than “Christmas Cheer” rendering the officer’s account factually impossible. Highly recommend if you need him.
Possession - we conceded that charge, but the judge dismissed in the interests of justice.
America, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
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