06/10/2026
Special interest Article
Anthony J. Iantosca, BCFE
www.iafei.com
Published by Anthony Iantosca, BCFE
For the International Academy of Forensic Examiners and Investigators.
Behavioral Profiling
Narcissist and Relationships
Part Two (2)
As I stated in part (1). I am not a medical professional. I am a profiler. When I explain the behavior patterns of these personality types. I am explaining the behavior patterns that are "consistent with not diagnosed as."
Regardless of the type of narcissist, they need to feel superior over you, that validates them and their sense of superiority.
There are two types of narcissists as postulated by Dr. Sam Vaknin a Cerebral type (their intellect) or Somatic type (their body, looks and by s*xual conquests). Narcissists have and need both primary and secondary sources of narcissist supply. The primary source is anyone who will give them attention. The secondary source is people close to the narcissist, a wife, girlfriend, close family member. They are the narcissist insurance policy. When primary sources are not available the secondary source props them back up again. Telling them how wonderful he/she is, how smart, how handsome, etc.
Narcissists types have an arsenal of tactics they use against you, Gas lighting, Projection, Projective Identification, Cognitive Dissonance, Deep Need for Attention, Deception, Flying Monkeys, just to name a few. All in attempt for you to second guess yourself, to feel inferior, and erode your sense of self-worth and confidence.
Their validation is very short lived. They are always looking for their drug of choice, narcissistic supply (Dr. Sam Vaknin). They know they are insecure spoiled little children who always get their way. They know how to push your buttons and when you react to them, they have been validated yet again at your emotional expense. These personality types are the puppet masters, pulling the strings and watching how you respond. When you do respond they feel good about themselves, because they have proved to themselves, they have power over you. It is time you cut the strings. When you do they become unhinged. They have lost control over you, their biggest fear.
If you are an insecure co-dependent type yourself this is a match made in hell. Both of you are opposites sides of the same coin. The narcissist needs to be validated by your compliance to his or her wishes, you need to be validated by him/her wanting you back again, either in a personal or professional relationship. Both of you need to be validated. Here is the problem, the narcissist knows this and he or she will never give you that validation you need one hundred percent. Why? They know if they do, they will have lost all control over you. In their minds if I give you what you want, I have lost the wand of power I have over you. So you will never get it. They will carrot dangle you. You will see the carrot but never attain it.
If you have walked away from the relationship first, they will come in with the carrot dangling, the "hovering and then the hoover tactic" in an attempt to get you back, you run back thinking they have changed and the narcissist has changed just for you. You have been validated, you feel good about yourself. For the narcissist it is all about power, manipulation and control. They need their fix, the validation from you shows how superior they are. You gave it to them by running back yet again, giving them great s*x and hoping for their love and attention.
As time goes on you realize you got nothing. The validation they gave you was very short lived. It is not long before they return back to their normal mode of behavior, the push/pull, the bickering, the gas lighting, the projection of their self-loathing on to you.
Everything is and will be your fault. These personalities have never had or experienced a stable relationship or home life. They do not believe it exists. They get board very easily and need the drama and chaos this makes them feel alive again. When the relationship is going well their engulfment fears kick in and they discard you. Remember to the narcissist love is a weakness. You are off again brokenhearted. They have their game down to a science, they don't need you, they are strong, confident, you are nothing, they can live by themselves. They are full of what makes the grass grow green. They will do everything in their power to keep you from walking behind that curtain and being exposed for the emotional insecure pipsqueaks they are. These personalities can't be alone for five minutes. When your insecurities kick in and they will, when you do not believe in yourself and will do everything and anything for their validation. You have given them the power again. Remember "they need you more than you need them."
But when you ignore them, walk away and stay away from the narcissist their abandonment fears kick in and they go back into the seduction phase all over again. This makes them feel alive, they live for the seduction phase. If you are stupid enough to fall for their nonsense yet again, you deserve what you get. You will lie to yourself called "self-deceit, rationalization and denial called "thinking errors" that are cognitive distortions. You have made yourself believe they have changed just for you and things will be different this time. They won't. They know what you want and they will never give it to you. If they do, they know he/she will have nothing left to keep you on the emotional hook. No one can validate you as a person, if you believe they can you are only fooling yourself. Only you can validate and believe in yourself.
These personality types will back off their emotional abuse when you set boundary lines, use the word no, have a sense of autonomy, independence, and a strong sense of self-worth. To protect their very frail ego over another lost relationship and failure, they will make everyone believe they were the reason you left him/her, they fostered the separation. They forced you to leave them, they were in control. A tactic called Cognitive Dissonance.
Narcissists may have psychopathic tendencies, but psychopaths are not narcissists. A narcissist can act out in a psychopathic way as a last-ditch effort to acquire narcissistic supply. Narcissists need positive attention narcissist supply to regulate their sense of low self-worth but will when all else fails can and will act out in very dangerous, unstable behavior patterns to remain in the limelight. "You will all remember who I am" type of behavior. This is negative narcissistic supply but for the narcissist any attention is better than no attention at all.
Simply put, a psychopath can live on an Island alone and survive. Being involved with a psychopath, it is not a question of are you going to get hurt, it is a question of when. A narcissist cannot survive on an Island alone. A narcissist needs outside sources other people to validate him/herself. Narcissists cannot validate themselves.
References:
Ronald H. Rice, BCFE Advanced Profiling Course
Dr. Sam Vaknin. Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited
Wendy T. Behary, LCSW. Disarming the Narcissist
Daniel J. Siegel, MD. Disarming the Narcissist
Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. Disarming the Narcissist
Joe Navarro FBI Special Agent (Ret.) Dangerous Personalities
Dr. Ramini