12/20/2019
Dear Reader,
With the holidays upon us, I just wanted to take this opportunity to extend some season’s greetings and wishes upon you. I hope the coming year brings good health, wealth, and happiness.
Sincerely,
Joseph H. Johnson
*By acknowledgement and receipt of said electronic greeting, you, the “Reader” hereby agree to the following terms and conditions:
This electronic greeting and any files or attachments transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed (i.e., “Reader”). If you have received this greeting in error (i.e., Ebenezer Scrooge, Mr. Grinch, Todd or Margo) please notify the sender and destroy the original message immediately;
Please note that the above holiday greeting is purely intended to wish, not force, compel, subject or suggest the ultimate end-user any holiday cheer, happiness, glee, or excitement. Any derivative enjoyment received by the Reader is purely unintended and by no way the fault of Mr. Johnson;
The term “holiday” is meant to include, but not limited to the following religious and secular holidays: Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, and Festivus;
Any attempt to “wish” does not imply, nor attempt to bestow said feelings of joy, merriment, happiness, Yule tidings, glee, cheer, or holiday-derived excitement upon the Reader;
In no way does the “Reader” hold Mr. Johnson in any way responsible, either implicitly or directly, for any failure of said greeting to properly create or elicit an emotional response in Reader, as there is no warranty of merchantability, implied promise of happiness, or other emotional response guaranteed by reading of said greeting;
By the term “upcoming year” Reader hereby acknowledges that in no way does Mr. Johnson mean to specifically include the fiscal calendar year and, by receipt of said greeting, “upcoming year” includes but again is not limited to any secular and/or religious calendars, summer or winter solstice observations, or any Aztec-based calendars (whereby said greeting would be held completely null and void as the world would have ended prior to December 21, 2012), whichever may come first;
This greeting was drafted and originally sent in the State of New York and, as such, should Reader disagree with the content provided in same, Reader hereby agrees to submit to mandatory arbitration at the sole expense of Reader. Reader further agrees that should an impasse at arbitration to subject of said greeting be met, any future claims created by or derived out of this greeting will be subject to the laws of the state courts of New York;
In no way does the above “greeting” constitute or create an attorney-client relationship. No such “relationship” is deemed to be formulated, created, extended or implied by the receipt of said correspondence of joyous tidings. Any and all attempts to suggest otherwise are solely upon the Reader, and Reader waives any privilege Reader may have as a claim against Mr. Johnson for reading of greeting;
Mr. Johnson has expressly not used nor implies the use of any secular or religious items, persons, idols or figures in said greeting, including but not limited to: Jesus, Jolly Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Lord & Savior, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny. Any belief in same or other secular/religious/mythological based person and/or creature is purely at the Reader’s own risk;
Any suggestion or bestowed upon wishes of “health, wealth, and happiness” does not imply, and is hereby expressly waived by Lawyer, to actually deliver said “health, wealth and happiness” to the Reader. Reader is by no means reliant upon Mr. Johnson for any of the above wishes; furthermore, Reader is free to be as “humbug,” irritated, aggravated and stressed as tolerable. Reader is allowed, to the extent of the laws of Reader’s jurisdiction allows for, to be as cynical, mean, and downright nasty as Reader wants, included but not limited to family, co-workers, in-laws, friends, and significant others;
Mr. Johnson reserves his right to delete any and all contents of said greeting at any time, with the exception of the following terms: “Dear Reader,” “Sincerely,” and “Mr. Johnson.”
