Mediation Works

Mediation Works I practice divorce, commercial and elder care mediation. My philosophy is summed up as follows: Mediate don't litigate. I am on NJ roster of mediators.

02/11/2018

Are You Listening to Me?

A California realtor was interviewed in the Wall Street Journal. His name is Sean Stanfield. He stated that he never relies on lockboxes to allow entry for the prospective buyer. “We always have a member present…It is the little things…that make the biggest difference.” What can make a difference in a mediation? It is hard to predict, but often it is the little things. But they are not so little. It is having someone listen to you. It is feeling respected. It is feeling that you are being treated with dignity. It is an apology. It is two people working together to get to Win-Win. It is truly the little things that can break a deadlocked discussion and/or lead to dispute resolution. Mediate. Be dignified. Try too get to Win-Win. Mediate don’t litigate. The little things may make a big difference.

02/11/2018

Negotiating in Anger

Elizabeth Bernstein, of the WSJ, penned an article entitled “To Win a Negotiation? Get Mad”. The article analyzes how the role of anger plays a role in the success or failure of a negotiation. Professor Maurice Schweitzer of the Wharton School suggests that the best time to get mad, if one perceives that something unjust has occurred, is right before or during the negotiation. However, anger that is too early in such a process can distract a person and lead to unfavorable results. It can well be consuming and a cause for a lack of focus. Displeasure is only received well when it comes about in a calm and controlled manner. How and when that displeasure is expressed has grave consequences.

If one feels a need to express anger without concern about its ultimate impact, litigation is as good as any other vehicle. On the other hand, the advantage of a mediated process, is that anger and displeasure can be discussed with an eye towards an eventual settlement. The choice is clear. Want to let the “fur fly”, do it through litigation. Want to get some result that is productive and meaningful, express your displeasure in a civil and purposeful mediated discussion. As always the advice remains the same; mediate don’t litigate.

02/11/2018

Constructive Conversation

A recent article appeared at mediate.com by Judy Ringer. The title of the article is straightforward: “We Have to Talk: A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Discussions.” All discussions where this undergird a non-agreement are difficult ones. In the discussion that is sub-titled “Inquiry”, several trenchant points are made.

1. Maintain curiosity
The late radio psychologist Dr. Joy Browne would tell her listeners “Be curious not furious. Try to use the conversation to find out where the other party is coming from. What motivates them? What are their fears and concerns? What got them to the point where they are are now entrenched in this controversy. This is your chance to find out what makes them tick.

2. Imagine them as if they were from another planet

If you met someone who was very different from you in terms of language, culture, etc. you would need to study them carefully. What does their body language tell you? Where is their energy being invested? Are their eyes connecting with yours or are they averting their gaze? Study them to gain insights from non-verbal cues.

3. Let them talk
Rep. Sam Rayburn from Texas was a very quiet man. He spoke little but listened a great deal. Why? “You can learn more from listening than you can from talking.” Utilize your listening skills to gain insights and to learn about your opposing party.

4. Don’t take things personally.

Don’t be defensive. What the other party is telling you may truly be about himself. President Bill Clinton once told a teenage audience that when people poke fun at them for their weight “”They are telling more about themselves than about you.” Listen with a certain sense of distance. That may be your best chance to learn about your opposing party.

Be curious and not furious. You will learn a great deal more that way, in mediations and in life itself.

02/11/2018

Cynicism

In the December 26, 2017 edition of the LA Times, the author Noah Berlatsky wrote a piece entitled “The age of naive cynicism”. Mr. Berlatsky finds cynicism as being way too prevalent in our age. As he tells us, for those who believe the system is rigged, and things will never change, the resulting apathy will ensure non-productive activity. Why vote or engage in activism if things are always going to be the same? The antidote to pervasive cynicism is the belief that people can change the status quo for the better. If cynicism is the “embrace of despair” and a choice of believing that the worst will happen, the preferred alternative is to take an active and positive role in life’s endeavors.

There is a cynical view found in some circles that militates against the institution of marriage. In this scenario you marry, get divorced, and get pauperized via the litigation that accompanies divorce. Firstly, few marry with the thought that they will divorce. The marital relationship calls for the investment of time and effort in growing the relationship. Happy marriages do exist in large number. However, divorce does enter into half of the marriages. In such cases, divorce mediation offers the couple a chance to end their relationship with dignity and respect. For those who divorce and maintain a cynical attitude about how to end the marriage, litigation will likely suit them fine. For those who believe in a more active and positive role for those who choose to divorce, mediation offers a different, and more productive, option. Mediate don’t litigate.

02/11/2018

Problems

Humans are by nature problem-solvers. But how does one go about solving a problem that he has already created? While mediation is very likely the best process by which to resolve the problem, there is a step that is first in need of application. Ponder the following statement by Albert Einstein: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”. The solution may come about through brain-storming, through an assessment of the available options, through reality testing, etc. The ways to get to the solution will vary, but the process cannot be the tried and true one that got the parties to the point of impasse. When you know what has not worked in the past, you now know where to look. Someplace else. Mediation will help get you to the new vistas of possibility. Mediate don’t litigate.

02/11/2018

The Sense of Entitlement

Katie Shonk wrote a piece for the Program on Negotiation (Harvard University) entitled “In business Negotiations, Eat Before You Negotiate”. Ms. Shonk points out that students who weer part of a study felt greater entitlement when they weer hungry than when they were well-fed. The reason for this attitude seemed to be based on the fact that people, when hungry, focus on their own needs. They cannot see the other person’s point of view; they are simply too self-centered to do so. The focus on one’s own needs, to the exclusion of the needs of others, leads to a sense of entitlement.

While it is admirable for a mediator to provide e.g. lunch for the parties involved in a lengthy mediation, this is not a necessary take-away. What the study cited by Ms. Shonk teaches us is the following:

*A mediation or negotiation is often helped or hindered by psychological needs. It is beneficial when these needs are able to be expressed by the parties.

The ability to focus on the needs of another party is a skill that can be enhanced and/or learned by proper intervention. In the instant case, a simple question in the opening statement might involve asking if the parties have had time for a meal or a snack. In other situations, a proper question might be to inquire if the parties have had a chance to speak about their impasse. The possibilities are many. Even a question such as “Is there anything that can be done to make Win-Win a greater possibility?” might lead to productive results.

02/11/2018

Wisdom From a Former President

Jon Meacham, an historian and author, wrote a piece for the NY Times on December 29. 2017. His contribution was entitled: “Donald Trump and the Limits of the Reality TV Presidency”. Mr. Meacham quotes President Eisenhower about leadership style: “You do not lead by hitting people over the head. Any damn fool can do that, but it’s usually called ‘assault’ — not ‘leadership.’…I’ll tell you what leadership is. It’s persuasion, and conciliation, and education, and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know, or believe in, or will practice.”

In the mediation process the parties hopefully learn how to adopt a more conciliatory and positive approach to resolving their dispute. How is this done. President Eisenhower laid it out for us. It is done by persuasion, conciliation, and patience. It is a slow process but one that holds much promise for success. It is most definitely not done by confrontation and playing the game of “I gotcha”. Win-Win is not easily attained but this is where patience comes in as a handy trait. One of our greatest generals and political minds has taught us how mediation can be successful; be soft on the people and tough on the problem. Mediate don’t litigate.

02/11/2018

See several years of my posts on mediation process at civildivorcecivilget.wordpress.com

Address

Fair Lawn, NJ
07410

Telephone

+12017944545

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Mediation Works posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Category