02/26/2020
The Ripple Effect
Preserving Children’s Interest During a Divorce
By Rebecca Rusk, MPA, GRN, CHSP, CCR
Divorce is one of the most difficult changes in life to weather. When the storm of a divorce is happening, emotions are raw with pain and sadness, confusion and disappointment, and many times anger and hostility. It is natural and common for a divorcing couple to focus on getting through the divorce proceeding and on their own well-being relative to the outcome. It’s completely understandable given that the world they know as a couple is about to change drastically. There are considerations of assets and property that need protecting. Where and how one will live in the future are all important things that need and require attention to detail.
But if the divorcing couple has children, then it’s the children’s interests that should be considered above all else. As difficult as divorce is for the couple involved, it is especially traumatic for children to experience the divorce of their parents. It can have adverse/negative short and long-term effects that leave indelible scars on the lives of the children forever. The emotional damage divorce creates can be irreparable. That’s why both spouses must do their best to keep their children’s interests as the focus of the divorce proceeding. But what does that really mean?
There are legal and professional definitions of best interest and preserving the interest of children to be sure. There are many articles and books about preserving the interest of children during a divorce written by expert therapists, counselors, attorneys, and even my own fellow mediators. There are lists of don’ts and do’s and line upon line of great and essential advice for parents and professionals alike. But as one who can attest, people involved in a divorce are immersed in stress and confusion. They are scared for their future security and safety. The proceedings of divorce seemingly consume their every thought. They may be receiving advice on all fronts but remembering very little because of their own anxiety.
As a professional and as a student turned professor, I have found that lessons learned through metaphors and parables tend to resonate personally impacting how we think and act instinctively rather than simply being tips and advice we have heard. I believe each person learns something different from the same story and that those teachings can become deeply personal affecting our thoughts and actions. In short, those lessons become a part of who we are. While there is invaluable advice available from a multitude of resources, I believe the simplicity of a story best sums up how to protect and preserve the interests of children not only during a divorce, but in the years of aftermath to come.
Imagine the life of your child as a beautiful and glimmering pond you have created for them. Its shores are lined with canopied trees for shaded cooling and grassy banks on which they can rest when they are weary. It is a sanctuary in which your child finds safety and security. All is beauty and bliss. Now imagine standing at the edge of that shimmering pond. You pick up a stone and skim it across the water. As soon as the stone touches the surface of the water, a ripple forms that becomes larger and larger. Physicists call these ripples "surface waves". Notice that the ripple effect is so much greater than the original impact formed by the single stone. Now pick up a large rock and drop with force into the center of the pond. The bigger and harder the disturbance or rock, the larger the ripples, the more lasting ripple effect, and the greater the impact on the shore. Once the rock hits the surface, the ripples cannot be stilled or contained. They will move across the pond in a concentric pattern all the way to the shore. The stones and rocks represent the decisions and events that happen within your child’s life. The ripples represent the impact of those events and decisions on your child. Wherever the stone touches the water the circular ripple will emerge on the water’s surface. Some decisions or events will barely touch the surface, the ripples will gently disappear and be gone, while others will have a deeper impact on the water creating long-lasting ripples of waves that ultimately cause damage to the shoreline.
A divorce of a child’s parents can feel much like an earthquake to the child. Each time they witness fighting or hear mean or angry words directed at the people they love most, rocks of fear and confusion, anxiety and depression are thrown with force into the child’s pond. Surface waves emerge, but they can be anything but subtle. The waves created during the divorce storm can destroy the shoreline.
Here’s the good news. Parents have a choice. Ultimately, they can choose what size stone they use and the force with which the stone hits the water of their child’s pond and the effect of the ripples on the shoreline. It begins with seeking solutions to resolve issues amicably in the divorce without malice and with an attitude of understanding that children love and need both parents present and active in their lives. Instead of fighting it out in the courts, mediation can be used as an alternative by divorcing couples. Mediation can not only reduce the stress of the parents significantly; it is a much better option for the children for several reasons.
Neutral
First, the mediator or neutral is completely impartial. They are there to help you and your soon-to-be ex come to a mutual agreement on the terms of your divorce. They don’t take sides or favor one person over another. The mediator helps the parties keep the children’s interest as the priority when mediating other issues.
Confidential
Mediation is confidential. Everything that happens in mediation is completely confidential and private. There are no recordings and no public records of it, so your children never have to be exposed to what transpired. Keeping the process confidential means less of an impact on children. You don’t have to worry about anyone sharing your detailed divorce information with your child.
Quick
Traditional court processes are lengthy and can takes months or years only to have someone who doesn’t know you and your family make all the decisions that affect your future lives. In mediation, the parties make all the decisions and most mediations can be completed in just one appointment. Parents and children can move forward more quickly letting go of the pain of the past.
Affordable
Court proceedings can cost thousands of dollars in legal fees and create a negative impact on your financial situation that may already be tenuous. In contrast, mediation can cost as little as a few hundred dollars per person, making it a much more affordable choice that is easier on the bank account.
Less stressful
Because the parties control the outcome, mediation is less stressful on the parties than traditional court processes. Stress is something that children detect in their parents. And since they lack the ability to process emotions with the wisdom of an adult, the child, in turn, carries the parents stress too, making life even more difficult for the child (think waves instead of ripples).
If you are contemplating or in the process of divorce, stop and ask yourself, what ripples are you causing for your child? Will your stone drop with scarcely a ripple in the pond, or will it have a long lasting and negative effect? Remember, whatever your actions are, it will create both short-term and long-term change in the world of your child. The impact and change that will be created is up to you.
Attention to detail is paramount to ensure children and their interests are protected. Deciding to work in their interest over your own will help make the divorce process easier for your children and preserve their relationship with each parent.
