01/08/2019
Navigating conflict is challenging. Most of us never get very good at it. At the same time, it's one of the most important life skills one can have, as it lends itself to rich marriages, families, friendships and communities. We all have a deep need for connection, which is hard enough to maintain in a world that moves so quickly in so many directions. When conflicts arise within those relationships, it can seem overwhelming.
No matter how much one studies and practices conflict resolution, for the vast majority this sort of thing never gets easy. Most of us have at least one relationship we can't crack, can't harmonize -- perhaps with a sibling or parent, a child, an estranged friend, a spouse.
I have no simple answers or advice other than the insight that within conflict is the potential for transformation. Our most challenging relationships have the potential to teach us profound lessons because, in truth, we're up against ourselves -- even when it looks like the conflict is with someone or something "out there."
Think of it this way. If you were a perfected, enlightened being, how would you respond to a challenge? Would you lash out in anger? Imagine the most perfect person you can think of. Doesn't matter if that's Jesus, the Buddha, Mohamed, Ghandi, Krishna, Mother Theresa, the Sufi saint Rabia, whomever. How would that person react? He/she would see the sadness, the hurt, the fear beneath his/her anger and respond with compassion, first for himself/herself, and then ultimately for "the other," the person or situation "out there."
That person might not want to remain in relationship with others, but he or she would not respond with fear, aversion or disdain. There would be compassion. There would be sorry for the other person's struggles and/or the situation.
Whatever keeps us from responding with compassion, which is our deepest truth since we're all connected and there really is no "other," is our own stuff, our scars, the ways in which we have responded to the hurts of this world. And getting through our own stuff is our real challenge, the real work of a lifetime.
This working through our own stuff comes through in religious teachings the world over. It's the turning back to God, the "return" the "atonement" of Yom Kippur in Judaism and the month of Ramadan in Islam. It is Christ on the Cross, the deep surrender of everything of this world (of ego), in Christianity. It is the letting go of all "things" of this world, of all desire, of all needs of the self, the non-attachment of Buddhism.
Though religious teachings get twisted and dogma often masquerades for deeper truths, it's worth noting the commonality at the core of these (and no doubt other) faiths. Ultimately, all are about seeing through and past the illusion of separation. Conflict offers the same gift because, when ego surrenders and let's go, what's left is love.
Our egoic desire to be seen, known and recognized as separate and special masks a deeper and more fundamental need for connection. Perhaps we're in this world to learn these lessons. Perhaps that's why the opportunity to learn comes up again and again in our relationships. I do not believe we were sent here to suffer. But I do believe that suffering is inevitable to the extent we have not absorbed these lessons.
Life shows up in the moment, in this moment, when we can say "yes" to it, to life, to what is. When we give up that which was not placed in our path and embrace (with gratitude) exactly what we have been blessed with.
