03/19/2020
Today I want to speak specifically to moms who are struggling to cope with increased domestic workloads as a result of COVID-19.
First, a disclaimer: I know we are living in a world where gender is now often thought of as a social construct, and generalizations are not politically correct. Be that as it may, however, my own professional and personal reality is such that I've spoken with hundreds of moms over the years. True, a small fraction of them feel that all of their domestic labour, childcare, and emotional labour are shared equally; that “small fraction" includes women in relationships with other women, as well as some women in relationships with men, who are lucky enough to feel that their male partners do their fair share.
But let's be real - the truth is, most women I know who are in relationships with men (especially those who have kids!) feel that the sharing of the domestic load is anything but equal.
Some of them are ok with that – for example, if they are full-time moms and their husbands work full-time outside the home, it might feel fair. But most moms are not in that position, and most resent the domestic labour inequality, big-time. And in the age of COVID-19, they resent it more than ever.
And you know what else they resent (and rightfully so)?
Children who are physically capable of helping out around the house but resist it at every turn, choosing instead to make a mess for others (i.e. mom) to clean up, or “demanding” to be waited on.
It’s time to do something about all of this.
Now that everyone is forced to stay home, there are more meals and snacks all day long, more dirty dishes, fuller garbage cans, longer shopping lists, messier houses, heavier workouts for washers and dryers, and in the case of kids, demands for more attention, entertainment, and stimulation. And social distancing means there’s no relief to be found in the form of cleaning ladies or live-out nannies (for the lucky moms for whom that was even an option before).
The result of all this? Moms are more exhausted than ever before, and are finding it harder and harder to keep all the balls in the air. And we’re only at the beginning of the marathon. It will only get more difficult as time goes on.
Moms, please listen. There is only one solution. And that’s self-advocacy.
Self-advocacy means taking a stand on your own behalf. But before you can do that, you first need to BELIEVE that you deserve help. And frankly, embracing that belief is something that a lot of moms struggle with. The struggle is very, very real. I’ve heard it bemoaned too many times, not only from clients, but from a number of friends. And I've lived it, too, because I'm a mom, and because I grew up watching my own mom exhaust herself with domestic tasks, performed to standards of near-perfection. We are socialized to believe that everything on the home front is our responsibility, and that we should just shut up, suck it up, and get it all done without complaining. But if there was ever a time to question that belief, that time is now.
If you have a partner, and/or if you have school-age kids, there is absolutely no reason that ALL of the domestic work (or even the lion’s share) should fall on your shoulders. ABSOLUTELY NONE.
If, for example, you live in a household of four people, why should one person wash, dry, fold, and put away four sets of clothing? Where's the logic in that, really? Why should one person shop for, cook for, and clean up meals after all four family members? Why should one person collect other people's dirty socks and toys from the floors? Unless your children are babies, toddlers, or have disabilities that truly render them unable to help, you, mom, should not be doing all of these things for them, and now is a perfect time to teach them how to do their fair share.
Let's take laundry as an example. School-age children are fully capable of learning how to do laundry. So what if they don’t fold their clothes “properly” or put them away in the “right spot?” Do clothes really need to be folded “properly” to be worn around the house? As long as they know where they’ve put their clothing, they will find it when they need it. If there were ever a time to relax your standards, it’s now!
School-age children are also capable of basic food preparation and helping in a meaningful way with the clean-up – for example, loading and emptying the dishwasher. They can empty the bathroom garbage cans, they can feed the pets, and so much more. Many kids actually feel pride and a sense of accomplishment when they contribute to the household by completing their chores.
Teenagers can do all of the above, cook, take the garbage out, do yardwork, walk the dog (all of which are also great ways for them to release some pent-up energy), and do almost any household task you can do. If they gripe, refuse, or (my personal favourite) respond with “I’ll do it later,” challenge them to explain why it is that they feel they’re entitled to relax while you do all of the work, and ask them whether they feel you aren’t worthy of respect – because frankly, it’s disrespectful of them to expect mom to be their servant. Put them on the spot and demand the respect you deserve.
And if this still doesn’t work, and they blatantly “refuse” to help, avoid the temptation to yell or beg – instead, let the natural consequences inspire them to change their ways. For example, let your teenagers know that you will not be washing any dishes or preparing any further meals until the current mess is cleaned up by someone else. After all, it’s not as though their schedules are too busy to allow them to do their part!
The power of natural consequences, when communicated calmly, is huge. For example, all it takes to get my kids to reconsider their “can I do it later?” kneejerk reaction to a dog-walking request (unless, of course, they have a legitimate excuse) is for me to tell them that I will put the barking dog into their room until they take him out, and that they will be the ones responsible for cleaning up the mess he makes if he just can’t hold his bladder or bowels any longer - because I won’t be doing it. Sure, they’re annoyed with me temporarily, but they’ll make the right choice – and the bigger picture is that they’re learning that it’s not all about them, and they need to do their part to keep our household running smoothly.
Moms need to demand respect. Moms deserve to be supported. It’s just not fair for us to do everything, and end up exhausted and resentful.
Kids are one thing, though; spouses are quite another kettle of fish. While the same principles of self-advocacy apply to spouses, you will have to decide what feels fair and choose your battles. A lot of this depends on whether both you and your spouse are still doing external work or not – and to what degree. If one spouse is still working at his/her job and the other is not, it may feel fairer for the spouse who isn’t working externally to take on more of the household responsibility. But if both are still working externally – especially if both are now working from home, you must have a frank talk about what feels fair, and ensure that you both feel that the household responsibilities are balanced as much as possible, given the circumstances and your external responsibilities.
Otherwise, you are both going to end up feeling a lot of resentment. And you don’t want that. Times are hard enough right now, without your relationship becoming collateral damage of COVID-19.
No matter what the state of your relationship was before this bomb hit, you must speak with your spouse if you are feeling the slightest bit of resentment right now. Remember, no matter what, you and your spouse have one thing in common, and that is the desire not to be in a constant state of conflict or resentment over this issue. So it’s up to you, moms – if you’re feeling the heat, take charge. Believe that you deserve fair treatment. Consider your circumstances. Figure out how you want your family to pitch in. And then advocate in a kind, calm, constructive, family-centered way.
Frame the problem in a neutral way. For example, “I want to make sure that we all get through this without feeling anger and resentment. For me, this means finding a way to ensure that everyone does his or her fair share around the house, because right now, I don’t feel that this is happening, and I am feeling myself getting upset. How do you think you can all chip in more?”
Make your family members responsible for helping to figure this out, by coming up with real, tangible things they WILL do to help keep the household running smoothly. Get them to articulate their understanding that this it not just your problem – it’s the family’s problem. Make them take joint ownership of this problem and come up with solutions.
Record your family’s solutions in writing. And then keep the written record handy, in case someone “forgets.”
Express your gratitude and appreciation when your spouse and kids follow through. Reinforcement supports repetition of the desired behaviours.
And be patient. It may take time, but it will be worth the effort in the long run.
Moms, be kind to yourselves, and stand up for yourselves. Demand respect. Make your family accountable. You deserve it. Your family will be better off for it. And you will get through this. Please repeat those words to yourself. As often as you need to. And put them into action.
Stay safe and be strong-
