01/12/2012
In a 2001 suit in Texas, a judge was clearly not impressed with the case, or the submissions from counsel in a motion of non-suit. The presiding judge seems to be quite prolific:
The plaintiff filed suit after allegedly sustaining injuries during his employment as a shiphand on a tug boat. Defendant filed a motion for summary judgment to dismiss the case. After submitting written briefs and having oral argument, the court handed down its written ruling, as follows:
"Defendant begins the decent into Alice's Wonderland by submitting a Motion that relies upon only one legal authority ... Plaintiff responds to this deft, yet minimalist analytical wizardry with an equally gossamer wisp of an argument, ... naturally Plaintiff also neglects to provide any analysis whatsoever .... Instead, Plaintiff 'cites' to a single case from the Fourth Circuit. Plaintiff's citation, however, points to a nonexistent Volume '1886' of the Federal Reporter ... and neglects to provide a pinpoint citation for what, after being located, turned out to be a forty-page decision. (What the ...)?! The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter (remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!) ... Despite the continued shortcomings of Plaintiff's supplemental submission, the Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon -- Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff's briefing ...
It is well known around these parts that [Plaintiff's] lawyer is equally likable and has been writing crisply in ink since the second grade. Some old timers even spin yarns of an ability to type. The Court cannot speak to the veracity of such loose talk, but out of an abundance of caution, the Court suggests that Plaintiff's lovable counsel has best upgrade to a nice shiny No. 2 pencil or at least sharpen what's left of the stubs of his crayons for what remains of this heart-stopping, spine-tingling action ... In either case, the Court cautions Plaintiff's counsel not to run with a sharpened writing utensil in hand -- he could put his eye out."
Defendant's Motion for Summary Judgment was Granted. Case dismissed.
