11/29/2023
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Do you ever want God to guide you? Wish he would be more direct with his desires? Since Matthew passed away I wanted God to just sit right next to me and TELL me what my purpose is without Matthew. Others told me God will give you signs, I didn’t believe them. Since July 5, 2019 I have been mid conversation with people feeling as if I have no idea where the words I am saying are coming from. All I could think at the time, I was channeling Matthew. The words would just flow and sounded just like something Matthew would say.
Since then, there have been times I have an internal urge to do something, share something with someone that could help them since I’ve walked through it already. I have questioned God, “are you sure this is what you want me to say or do?” The feeling I get is so overwhelming that I will not rest until I do what I feel I am meant to share. I feel crazy typing this. I have read many things since Matthew passed away, transitioning from our earthly bodies to our Eternal home. Hospice nurses are angels on earth and have shared such valuable stories which I’ve read many and wished I had read while Matthew was fighting.
I promised to be honest and forthcoming the day I started this page. I feel the gentle push to share the following with you. These are things I wish I knew when Matthew and I were navigating the precious 354 days we were given from diagnosis to the day he passed away.
Banking- Car, House, Loans, Checking, Savings (Make sure that your spouse is beneficiary and has right of survivorship on all accounts.)
· Last Will & Testament, Medical Power of Attorney, DNR- does your spouse want one or not, make sure they are filed as needed. (Courthouse, with your doctor)
· Visitors- Get a schedule going, meal train or meal gift cards, so they don’t have to worry about feeding the family that is visiting. Friends and family would be happy to make and drop food at your doorstep so you don’t have to worry about being a host or hostess. That is the last thing you should have to worry about. If anyone has a cold, fever, under the weather, ask them to wear a mask. Your loved one doesn’t need to get a secondary infection. Let your loved one and their spouse decide when they’re tired and need private time.
· If your loved one feels up to it, have him or her write a letters to their wife or husband, children, friends to be opened at a time designated by your loved one, 1 year mark, wedding day, birth of a child. Ask him or her to call and leave a voicemail on phones or record a video of them to be watched in the future. Believe it or not, they will listen to and/or watch over and over. There is a jewelry designer who will take your loved ones message or signature and put it on a piece of jewelry. They can do fingerprints, or whatever he wants to write. The card Matthew wrote me had “I love you, Matt” on it and that is what I put on the piece of jewelry. The website is heidijhale.com. There is NO price on a gift like that!!! It sounds stupid, but talking about what your loved one wants for you will help you to never wonder what your loved was thinking before they passed away. The best thing that Matthew ever said to me, is “he would be waiting on a park bench waiting for me to join him in Heaven when it was my time”. It gives me something to look forward to when the time comes.
· Hospice care- These men and women are angels on earth. They will help your loved one and family immensely. Please take notes, please listen to what they tell you, it is OVERWHELMING in the beginning, but they KNOW. They will guide you on pain management, my advice as we experienced, do not skip maintenance pain meds. It will allow your loved one to tolerate visits with family and friends. Once morphine is introduced, your loved one will probably not like it. Matthew loathed the way it made him feel, he would be thinking one thing, and another would come out of his mouth. The loss of that control was most frustrating for him. During the last days Matthew wanted to shower and be clean, he didn’t like not being able to do those things for himself, there is a point where they cannot do basic tasks, so be patient. I wrote down the time and what medication I gave Matthew, so I wouldn’t overdo it and could stay on top of his pain. (There will be so much going on, it is helpful to write it down.) Sense of hearing is at an all time high, if there is something to discuss and you don’t want your loved one to hear it, go into another room. The last thing they don’t want is to feel invisible. Even if their eyes are closed and there is something you want to say, say it. Keep talking to them, even until the last minute, allow them to feel the love of this life and pass into their Eternal Life with love. Matthew saw angels in our room, it is the most beautiful thing to experience. It will be hard and emotional, but feeling the Lord’s spirit in the room and allowing your loved one to cross over which can be a beautiful experience. Respect the family’s privacy and allow them time with their loved one after they have passed. Allow the experience to be felt, perhaps knowing this up front will help this be a beautiful experience instead of full of sorrow. These are things that no one shared with me, I knew none of this and wish I had the foresight to know what to expect. If there is one thing I can say when he passes, there is a frenzy of people, the people will come in and want to scoop up all the meds to do an inventory and destroy. Hospice will come in and start gathering equipment, I didn't know what I wanted, as I look back, I felt like everything was ripped out of the house. I didn't get time to digest, feel in the moment, everything was hurried, rushed, Matthew was taken away and that was that. I wish I had spent more time feeling the Holy Spirit in the room, knowing that Matthew was no longer in pain and the fact that he was walking into the arms of our Heavenly Father. I had a true out of body experience, it was chaotic. Do what you want on your timeline.
· Your loved ones funeral, if they are up to it, ask them to plan it. Matthew did and we were able to incorporate every single one of his wishes, even down to everyone wearing a sports jersey! Matthew’s personality came out during the service, every song he chose was a direct reflection of him wanting it to be a CELEBRATION of his life. Pictures, songs, anything!
I mean no disrespect in writing all this, if there was a roadmap I could have followed when Matthew was in hospice, I would have embraced every single bit of help.
Kiss each other, hold hands, take pictures of your hands intertwined, talk, cry, laugh, embrace every second together. Leave nothing to the imagination, discuss everything even when you’re crying so hard you cannot catch your breath, say everything you want to say to each other. I asked Matthew to send me signs, cardinals, coins, I treasure every single one I find, and every cardinal I see. I talk to Matthew as if he is sitting beside me, I pray every night I dream about him. Talk until you’re exhausted, love each other, and kiss each other until you fall asleep.
Matthew, I love you more today than I did yesterday!
Much love,
Shelli
