07/26/2018
After a study found that girls' confidence drops by 30% between the ages of 8 and 14, Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, the authors of "The Confidence Code," a best-selling guide for adult women, decided to turn their attention to helping tween and teen girls stay confident as they grow. "We were surprised at how quickly, how deep that drop is," says Shipman. "And especially because right until age 8, there's really no difference [between girls and boys] in confidence levels." The pair have just released a new book for tween girls filled with advice on how to grow up confident, embrace risk, and overcome anxieties -- and in a new article for CNN, they've shared five tips for parents on how to build up their daughters' confidence during these transition years.
There's a reason that "try new things" is first on their list: Shipman says that one of the most important things to teach girls is to be "comfortable being uncomfortable" so that they can stretch their capabilities. "It's kind of counterintuitive, but just telling yourself 'Oh, you shouldn't be afraid of this'... doesn't actually help. Risks are scary," Shipman points out. Instead, tell her to think, "I'm just going to do it afraid. I'm just going to do it anyway." To encourage herself, girls can keep a list of risks she's already taken that remind her that she's overcome similar obstacles before. She can do this with failures too: remembering that mistakes aren't the end of the world will help her build resilience.
One of most surprising results to many from the study is that fathers are often better at recognizing their daughters' loss of confidence, with dads being 26% more likely to accurately estimate their child's confidence than moms were. Shipman believes this is because many mothers don't see their daughters' behavior as unusual: "Perfectionism or worry about this or that, or sort of reticence to raise your hand, that's recognizable to us [as women]. Even if instinctively we know it's wrong, it doesn't seem odd, because we've probably experienced it. We may still do it, whereas I think fathers, who do have incredibly high expectations for their daughters, would be (saying) 'What is going on with my 9-year-old? Why was she this way a year ago, and now she's thinking she can't do anything?' They find it genuinely strange."
As a result, Shipman recommends that parents, and mothers in particular, let their daughters see them take on risks and deal with failure. Role modeling how to respond to problems is very powerful, she asserts: "If we're going on, 'I'm so worried about this. I have to get it right,' it doesn't help them." When they see us face challenges, girls are reassured that it's normal to wrestle with things -- and it also helps them recognize that, in the real world, you can't please everyone. "Girls, even when they speak up in class or whatever it is, they want to please people, so I feel like the next hurdle is for girls to understand that they will not always please [everybody]," Shipman says. "And when they speak up, some people will like what they say, and others won't. [We want them to] develop that armor so that they say 'but that's OK, because I'm me.'" To read more of their advice on CNN, visit https://cnn.it/2sh6ezD
Shipman and Kay's new book, "The Confidence Code for Girls," for ages 8 to 12, is available at https://www.amightygirl.com/the-confidence-code-for-girls
For adult women, we also recommend their original book, "The Confidence Code," at https://amzn.to/2H5KsVW
For two excellent guides for teens on this topic, check out "Conquer Negative Thinking for Teens" (https://www.amightygirl.com/conquer-negative-thinking-for-teens) and "The Self-Esteem Workbook for Teens" (https://www.amightygirl.com/the-self-esteem-workbook-for-teens)
For more confidence-building books to help Mighty Girls of all ages discover her inner strength, visit our "Self-Confidence" book section at http://amgrl.co/2qxXQhH
